Odd, Insulting, yet Funny Quotes and Sayings



A friend of mine sent me an e-mail full of these sayings, and I decided they went well with the rest of the page...




The worst thing about censorship is [deleted by censorship bureau].
Reality is an illusion created by alcoholic deficiency.
Trust in God, but lock your car.
Procrastination means never having to say you're sorry.
Being politically correct means always having to say you're sorry.
Never hit a man with glasses; hit him with your fist.
A friend in need is a pest indeed.
Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow they may cancel your VISA.
Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.
Work is a fine thing if it doesn't take too much of your spare time.
Some drink at the fountain of knowledge...others just gargle.
Some women get excited about nothing and then marry him.
High explosives are applicable where truth and logic fail.
You're never too old to learn something stupid.
All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
It's not an optical illusion, it just looks that way.
A leading authority is someone lucky who guessed right.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
Hard work never killed anybody...but why take chances?
Hire a teenager while they still know it all.
When everything comes your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Know thyself. If you need help, call the CIA.
A guy walked into a bar. He was treated for minor injories.
I know! I'll transcribe the conversations between the voices in my head and send them to you!!!
God Bless America, but God help Canada to put up with them!
The light at the end of a tunnel may be an oncoming train.
An ounce of image is worth a pound of performance.
Life is cheap. It's the accessories that kill you.
Eternal nothingness is fine if you're dressed for it.
So many cheques, so little money.
Inside every short man is a tall man doubled over in pain.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and the world laughs louder.
Laugh and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Moderation is good, but boring.
If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
If you think nobody cares, miss a couple of payments.
Don't judge a book by its movie.
Smile, it makes people wonder what you're thinking.
If at first you don't succeed...forget skydiving.
Love thine enemies...it really pisses them off.
If you can't laugh at yourself, make fun of other people.
Earn cash in your spare time--blackmail your friends.
Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Sex is nobody's business but the three people involved.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm a schitzophrenic, and so am I.
Heck was created for those who refuse to believe in Gosh.
Money is the root of all wealth.
If at first you don't succeed -- give up! No use being a damn fool.
No job is so simple that is can't be done wrong.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
There are few problems that can't be solved with high explosives.
Start off every day with a smile and get it over with.
Virtue is it's own punishment.
There are two times I feel stress--day and night.
Avoid reality at all costs.
A good pun is its own reword.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
When it comes to thought some people stop at nothing.
Don't use a big word where a diminutive word will suffice.
A steak a day keeps the cows dead.
All general statements are false.
Hellrung's Law: If you wait, it will go away.
Every silver lining has a cloud.
The real world is a special case.
Langsam's Law: Everything depends.
Most people deserve each other.
The trouble with getting a life is making the payments.
Never tell them what you wouldn't want to do.
Silence is one great art of conversation.
Nostalgia is okay but not what it used to be.
All the world's a stage...most of us are just stagehands.
Statistics show every two minutes another statistic is created.
There is more room in your head for thoughts than thoughts in your head for room.
Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac who stays up all night wondering if there really is a Dog?
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
There are three kinds of people: those who can count, and those who can't.
Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must befound and stopped.


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